Victory Is Possible
Defeating pornography and sexual sin is no easy task, but it is possible (Philippians 4:13). The first step in defeating the temptation to view pornography is to change your core values and what you think is “real” & “normal”. For instance, men and women have been bombarded and have come to believe that they must “prove themselves” and somehow measure up to a level of sexuality that we see in popular media. Yet, although these understandings of sexuality, as depicted for us in porn and in Hollywood, are completely removed from reality, men and women are trying desperately to measure up to these false ideas of sexuality, and have in fact considered them to be the “standard.” But who gives the guy behind the camera or the editor of a magazine the right to define sexuality and normalcy for us? They are in no position to tell us how we should live our lives. In fact, as we mentioned before, they are simply in it for the money.
Instead of turning to some equally sinful and sexually frustrated person who lives in a fantasy land, we need to turn to God. We need to recognize what God defines as normal and base our actions and attitudes around that. We need to cling to the understanding that Christ is the author and perfector of everything (Hebrews 12:2), including our sexuality, and realize that if we want to learn how to properly express our sexual passions and desires, we simply need to turn to the One who gave them to us. Although we don’t have the space to lay out everything, God’s ultimate desire for us and our sexuality is to bring Him glory, we do that through holiness (Romans 6:22; 2 Corinthians 7:1; Ephesians 4:24; Hebrews 12:10), self-control (Proverbs 25:28; 2 Peter 1:5-7), sacrifice (Ephesians 5:1-3), a recognition of worth & value (Matthew 6:26; Matthew 7:6), and doing things in their proper time and proper way(Song of Solomon 2:7 NLT; Ecclesiastes 3:1). We hope that you will cling to the promise and assurance that “the pure in heart will see God” (Matthew 5:8) more than the empty, fleeting promises of sexual sin.
In addition to changing the way we see and think about porn and sexual sin, different tactics are necessary to break the routine. In order to avoid thinking of pornography and acting out on those thoughts, standards and activities must be set in place to replace it.
Steps to Recovery
In The Sexual Man, Dr. Archibald Hart suggests several steps to assist in breaking out of an obsession with pornography. They are described (and elaborated upon) in some detail below.
I. Destroy the Porn
No matter how insignificant the amount of porn seems, any porn left behind is an open invitation for the pornography habit to return in full force later. Throw away anything and everything that causes you to stumble, i.e. magazines, pictures, movies, etc. & download (or better yet, have a friend download & password protect) accountability software onto you’re your personal computer. Physically removing (and destroying) pornographic objects and setting up barriers is an absolute first step.
II. Change Your Habits
One thing to recognize when it comes to pornography and sexual sin is that most people tend to have very particular patterns and routines that lead to or result in acting out our desires or impulses. Whether our struggles typically happen late at night when everyone else is asleep, or in the afternoon when you are tired and bored, or even when you are angry or frustrated about work, it is important and absolutely crucial that you know what your particular patterns are. If is simply a matter of not sitting in the same seat looking at the same girl, or not walking down certain streets past certain stores, or not being alone during certain times of the day, know what your typical patterns are and then do everything in your power to change those patterns. It might also be necessay to set up certain filters (especially for those who struggle with internet pornography) to stop you from going down a destructive, habitual path. Although there are numerous filter’s avaialbe online, we encourage you to stop by the office where we will install one for free and be able to personaly hold you accountable.
III. Don’t Feed Your Fantasies
Although it is absolutely crucial to do what Job did and set up a “covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1), it is also absolutely crucial to set up a covenant with your mind. This goes for both guys and girls. After we see something pornographic, or even just sexual in nature, our minds immediately take over and the fantasies begin. We begin to muse over, daydream about and actually believe that certain things are true when they are not, i.e. “that girl wants me”, “all guys like it when I do this”, etc . A major step in overcoming sexual sin is training your mind to only think about those things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, & admirable (Philippians 4:8). It is not a light or easy thing to “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ” but that is exactly what we must do to overcome sexual sin.
IV. Be Accountable
As we hinted at before, friends and accountability partners/communities are invaluable in the struggle against pornography. When someone else is holding you accountable for your actions with pornography, you have a much better chance of defeating it, especially if that someone will demand you tell them the truth and has experienced personal victory himself/herself. It is important to meet with and be held accountable by people who have tangible resources and suggestions and who are experiencing freedom themselves. Simply getting together with a bunch of people who are falling deeper and deeper into sexual sin won’t help all that much.
V. Be Patient
It takes time to defeat most addictions. The bad habits and destructive tendencies that we have were not created overnight, and although some people can stop “cold turkey” and put an end to bad habits overnight, there is a very real chance that experiencing victory in this area will take a lot of time. Being convicted over your sin is one thing, but allowing guilt and depression to tear away and destroy the progress you have been making is another. When it comes to overcome pornography, start small. Set realistic goals for yourself, i.e. not looking at pornographic material for a week, or not masturbating for a 5 straight days, etc. and once you realize that you do have the power and ability to meet those goals, set ones that are higher.
VI. Resist Feeling Defeated
Once you stumble it is sometimes hard to get up again which can lead to feelings of frustration and defeat. If you don’t give these feelings any power, you will have a better chance of continuing successfully in the battle. In the movie Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne’s father gives him a classic word of advice that might be helpful. He says, “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” What is important in all of this isn’t “if you fall”, but what do you do “when you fall”? Becoming angry and feeling defeated won’t do anything. Instead, confess your mistakes to others (1 John 1:9) and humble ourselves before God, He is faithful to pick us back up and enable us to continue on.
VII. Pray About Your Problem
The fact of the matter is that whether you recognize it or not, the sexual sin in your life is greater than you are (Romans 7:16-18). Sin, especially sexual sin, can control and make us do things that we do not want to do. Although taking the practical steps listed above, can and will aid you in the fight, it is our belief that only the power of God and the grace of the gospel can truly free you from it. He is the only one who can give you a new heart, a new mind, and a new way of living. We encourage you to devote yourself fully to Him, through prayer, study, worship and community. Don’t hide your imperfections from Him or allow embarrassment or shame to keep you from Him. God loves you, even in your weakness he loves you. Even though you are addicted to porn or sexual sin, he loves you. And he wants to free you from its bondage.
Feel free to contact us if you have specific prayer needs or if you want to talk about any of this stuff in person. We are here to help you.